Relationships are intricate dances of trust, love, and connection—but what happens when someone steps out of rhythm? As a psychotherapist with over two decades of experience guiding couples through the storms of betrayal and the calm of reconnection, I’ve seen firsthand how the definition of “cheating” can vary wildly from one relationship to the next. In today’s digital age, where online dating and social media blur the lines of fidelity, understanding what constitutes cheating is more critical than ever. So, let’s talk about this complex topic.
In a world where a swipe can spark a secret, cheating isn’t just about what you do—it’s about what you hide. Trust is the heartbeat of love, and I’ve spent 23 years helping couples keep it alive. – Dr. Peggy Bolcoa
Cheating Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All: The Emotional Core of Infidelity
When couples sit across from me in my Costa Mesa office, the first question after a betrayal often isn’t “What did you do?” but “Why does this hurt so much?” Cheating, at its core, is a breach of trust—an emotional wound that cuts deeper than any single act. In my practice, I’ve learned that what one partner sees as harmless flirtation, another might view as a devastating betrayal.
Take online dating, for instance. A Statista survey found that 21% of Americans admitted to cheating on a partner at some point, a number that’s climbed steadily since 2015. With dating apps at our fingertips, the opportunities to stray—emotionally or physically—have multiplied. But does swiping right while in a committed relationship count as cheating? For some, it’s a clear violation. For others, it’s just curiosity. The key lies in what you and your partner have agreed upon.
My Tip: Early in a relationship, define your boundaries. I often tell couples, “If you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner, it’s worth a conversation.” Open dialogue prevents the gray areas from turning into battlegrounds.
The 4 Types of Cheating: From Physical to Digital Deception
In my work with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I’ve categorized cheating into four main types based on what I’ve observed over the years. These distinctions help couples pinpoint where the hurt originates and how to heal it.
a. Physical Cheating: The Classic Breach
This is the one everyone thinks of first—a sexual encounter outside the relationship. In my practice, I’ve seen this devastate trust, especially when it’s hidden. A study found that people who cheated in past relationships were three times more likely to do it again, which suggests patterns that need addressing.
b. Emotional Cheating: The Heart’s Betrayal
Emotional affairs often sneak up on couples. It might start as a “work spouse” or a late-night text thread with an ex. I once worked with a couple where the husband’s daily venting to a coworker left his wife feeling like a stranger in her own marriage. “I didn’t touch her,” he said. “But you gave her pieces of you that belonged to me,” she replied. That’s the sting of emotional infidelity.
c. Digital Cheating: The Online Trap
Here’s where modern relationships get tricky. Liking every selfie of a crush on Instagram, secretly messaging someone on X, or maintaining an active SofiaDate profile while “exclusive”—these are the new frontiers of infidelity. In a 2020 Psychological Reports study, lack of trust linked to digital behaviors (like snooping) was a top predictor of relationship conflict. I’ve seen it myself: one partner’s “harmless” DMs become another’s sleepless nights.
d. Micro-Cheating: The Subtle Slips
Micro-cheating is the buzzword of the decade—small acts that flirt with betrayal without crossing into full-blown infidelity. Examples? Keeping an ex’s number “just in case,” dressing up for someone else, or hiding a flirty text. In my sessions, I’ve noticed these micro-moments erode trust over time, especially in online dating contexts where boundaries blur fast.
Stat Alert: Some surveys found that about 45% of people consider texting someone flirtatiously behind their partner’s back to be cheating. The digital age has redefined the rules—have you?
7 Surprising Behaviors That Might Be Cheating (Based on My Practice)
After 23 years, I’ve compiled a list of behaviors that couples argue over most in my office. These might not scream “infidelity” at first glance, but they’ve sparked real pain—and real breakthroughs.
- Secret Social Media Interactions – Liking every post from an old flame or sliding into DMs can feel like a betrayal, even without a meetup.
- Keeping Dating Apps Active – “I’m just browsing!” doesn’t cut it when exclusivity is on the table.
- Fantasizing Excessively – Daydreaming about someone else nonstop? It’s a gray area, but I’ve seen it pull focus from the relationship.
- Hiding Friendships – If you’re texting a “friend” your partner doesn’t know about, trust takes a hit.
- Flirting Online – A winky emoji to a stranger on X might seem innocent, but intent matters.
- Porn Overuse – For some couples I’ve counseled, excessive porn feels like a replacement for intimacy.
- Lying by Omission – Not mentioning a coffee date with a coworker can plant seeds of doubt.
A Case from My Files: One couple came to me after the wife discovered her husband’s secret Reddit account where he flirted with strangers. “It’s not real!” he argued. Her tears said otherwise. We rebuilt their trust by addressing the why behind his actions—loneliness—and setting clear digital boundaries.
Online Dating and Cheating: A 21st-Century Twist
Online dating has revolutionized how we connect—and how we cheat. With over 366 million users on dating platforms worldwide in 2022, the temptation to stray is a swipe away. In my practice, I’ve seen a surge in couples grappling with digital infidelity, from secret profiles to late-night chats.
Real-Life Example: A client once admitted to keeping SofiaDate active “for validation” during a rough patch with her boyfriend. When he found out, the breach wasn’t the app—it was the dishonesty. Through EFT, we uncovered her need for reassurance and rebuilt their communication.
5 Questions to Ask Yourself (and Your Partner) About Cheating
Clarity starts with reflection. Here are five questions I encourage couples to explore together, drawn from my decades of helping relationships heal:
- What’s off-limits for us? – Is it kissing? Texting? Watching porn? Define it.
- How would I feel if they did this? – Empathy is your compass.
- Am I hiding anything? – Secrets breed mistrust, even if “nothing happened.”
- What’s the intent behind my actions? – Curiosity is one thing; seeking connection elsewhere is another.
- Are we on the same page? – Misaligned expectations are infidelity’s breeding ground.
Pro Tip: I often say, “Talk about cheating before it happens.” Preemptive chats save heartache later.
The Stats Speak: How Common Is Cheating Today?
Numbers don’t lie—and they paint a picture of infidelity’s prevalence:
- 21% of Americans have cheated, per Statista (2021).
- 45% of men and 35% of women have had emotional affairs, says the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
- 70% of couples experience some form of infidelity over time.
- 1 in 3 dating app users admit to using them while in a relationship (Pew Research, 2020).
These stats underscore a truth I’ve seen in my practice: cheating isn’t rare—it’s a challenge we can prepare for.
Healing After Cheating: My EFT Approach
When infidelity strikes, the question becomes, “Can we recover?” In my 23 years using Emotionally Focused Therapy, I’ve seen “impossible” situations transform into loving bonds. EFT focuses on attachment—why we seek connection and how betrayal disrupts it.
- Step 1: Acknowledge the Pain – The hurt partner needs to voice their wound. “I felt abandoned,” one wife told me after her husband’s online fling.
- Step 2: Unpack the Why – The unfaithful partner must explore their motives. Was it loneliness? Insecurity?
- Step 3: Rebuild Trust – Small, consistent acts—like transparency with phones—repair the rift.
A Success Story: A couple I worked with survived the husband’s physical affair by using EFT to reconnect emotionally. Today, they’re stronger than ever, which proves recovery is possible with effort.
Conclusion: Trust Is the Foundation, Communication Is the Glue
Cheating isn’t just about what happens—it’s about what it means to you and your partner. Whether it’s a physical act, an emotional bond, or a digital misstep, the heart of infidelity lies in broken trust. As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen couples overcome betrayal by facing it head-on with honesty and empathy. Online dating and social media may complicate the landscape, but they don’t change the fundamentals: clear boundaries and open communication are your best defenses.
As I tell my clients, “A relationship isn’t about avoiding mistakes—it’s about growing through them.” Define your lines, talk often, and if trust falters, know that healing is within reach. After all, love isn’t perfect—it’s resilient.
