12 Clear Signs the Relationship Is Over for Him: A Psychotherapist’s Guide

Relationships can hit rough patches, but how do you know when a man has truly checked out? As a psychotherapist with over 20 years of experience in Costa Mesa, California, I’ve helped countless women spot the signs that a guy’s heart isn’t in it anymore. From dodging future plans to ignoring your feelings, these red flags can save you time and heartache. Below, I share 12 unmistakable signs the relationship is over for him, backed by my decades of practice, client stories, and research. Let’s discuss what to watch for, especially in today’s world of online and offline dating.

1. He Stops Talking About the Future

When a man’s invested, he plans ahead—date nights, vacations, even little things like “we should try that new restaurant.” But when he’s done, the future goes silent. In my office, I’ve heard women say, “He used to talk about moving in together, but now he changes the subject.” This shift often means he’s not seeing you in his long-term picture.

• What to Notice: Does he dodge questions about next month or next year? If he says, “Let’s just see how it goes,” it’s a clue he’s emotionally stepping back.
• My Experience: One couple, let’s call them Sarah and Mike, came to me because Sarah felt Mike was “distant.” He stopped mentioning their dream of buying a house. After a few sessions, Mike admitted he wasn’t sure about the relationship anymore. That silence was his way of pulling away.
• Stat: A study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 68% of men who stopped discussing future plans were already mentally exiting the relationship.

2. He’s Less Interested in Physical Closeness

Physical intimacy—hugs, kisses, or even casual touches—often reflects emotional connection. If he’s pulling back from affection, it’s a big sign. I’ve worked with couples where the woman says, “He used to hold my hand all the time, but now he barely touches me.” This isn’t just about sex; it’s about that warm, connected feeling.

• Red Flag: He avoids cuddling, flinches at your touch, or only initiates intimacy when it’s purely physical with no emotional vibe.
• Client Story: A client, Jenna, noticed her boyfriend stopped kissing her goodbye. In therapy, he revealed he felt “numb” about the relationship but didn’t know how to say it. His body was speaking for him.
• Tip: If this happens, try talking openly. I often suggest couples use my Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) approach to ask, “I’ve noticed we’re not as close physically—can we talk about what’s going on?”

3. He Picks Fights Over Small Stuff

When a guy’s heart isn’t in it, little things—like leaving dishes out or texting too slowly—turn into big arguments. In my 23 years of practice, I’ve seen men use these fights to create distance. It’s like they’re looking for an excuse to pull away.

• What It Looks Like: He snaps over nothing, like, “Why didn’t you text me back right away?” or blows up about minor habits that never bothered him before.
• My Take: “When a man starts nitpicking, it’s often less about the dishes and more about his inner conflict,” I tell clients. He may not even realize he’s doing it to push you away.
• Research: A study by Psychology Today showed many men admitted to starting arguments to avoid deeper emotional talks when they wanted out.

4. He Spends More Time Alone or With Others

If he’s suddenly “too busy” for you but has time for friends, work, or hobbies, it’s a warning sign. I’ve counseled women who say, “He’s always at the gym or out with his buddies, but we haven’t had a date in weeks.” This shift screams emotional withdrawal.

• Key Clue: He prioritizes solo activities or other people over couple time. Maybe he’s on his phone or gaming instead of hanging out with you.
• Real Case: A client, Lisa, noticed her partner was spending every weekend with his coworkers. In session, he admitted he felt “trapped” in the relationship and used those outings to escape.
• Stat: Per a study from the University of British Columbia (UBC), men reported increasing time away from their partner as a way to cope with wanting to end the relationship.

5. He Stops Sharing His Feelings

Men aren’t always chatty about emotions, but when a guy’s in love, he opens up at least a bit. If he’s clamming up—about his day, his stress, or anything personal—it’s a sign he’s shutting you out. In my EFT sessions, I see this all the time: the guy goes from sharing to stonewalling.

• What to Watch For: He responds with “I’m fine” or “Nothing’s wrong” when you ask how he’s doing. Or he avoids deep talks altogether.
• My Advice: “If he’s not letting you into his world, it’s like he’s locking the door to his heart,” I often say. Try asking open-ended questions like, “What’s been tough for you lately?” But if he stays closed off, it’s a bad sign.
• Online Dating Angle: If you’re dating online, this can show up as shorter texts or less effort in video chats. 47% of online daters noticed partners becoming less responsive when losing interest.

6. He Doesn’t Care About Your Feelings

When a man’s checked out, he stops caring about how you feel. Maybe you’re upset, and he shrugs it off or says, “You’re overreacting.” In my practice, this is a huge red flag. A guy who’s still in it will at least try to understand, even if he doesn’t get it right every time.

• What to Notice: He dismisses your emotions, like brushing off your tears with, “It’s not a big deal,” or he seems annoyed when you share what’s bothering you. This indifference can also show up as him ignoring your attempts to connect, like not responding when you say you had a rough day.
• Client Insight: One woman, Emily, cried in session because her boyfriend ignored her when she shared her job stress. He’d say, “Just deal with it,” or change the topic. In therapy, he admitted he didn’t care anymore but was too scared to end things. His lack of empathy was his way of detaching.
• My Take: “A man who loves you will want to ease your pain, not add to it,” I tell clients. If he’s indifferent, it’s a sign he’s emotionally gone. Try saying, “I feel ignored when I share my feelings—can we talk about why this is happening?”

7. He’s Always on His Phone

If he’s glued to his phone—scrolling, texting, or gaming—when you’re together, it’s a sign he’s mentally elsewhere. In my Costa Mesa office, I hear this a lot: “He’s physically here, but it’s like I’m alone.” The phone becomes a shield to avoid real connection.

• What It Means: He’s using his phone to escape, whether it’s endless social media, work emails, or chatting with others. It’s not just distraction—it’s a way to avoid emotional intimacy with you. You might notice he’s quick to reply to others but ignores your texts.
• My Experience: One couple, Tara and Josh, fought over his constant TikTok scrolling during their time together. Josh admitted he used it to “zone out” because he wasn’t happy in the relationship but didn’t know how to say it. His phone was his escape hatch.
• Online Dating Tip: If you’re dating online, this shows up as inconsistent texting or long gaps between replies, even when he’s active on the app. Online daters felt ignored when their match was online but didn’t respond.
• What to Do: Try saying, “I’ve noticed you’re on your phone a lot when we’re together—can we set some time to focus on us?” If he brushes it off, it’s a sign he’s not invested.

8. He Compares You to Others

When a guy starts saying, “My ex was better at this” or “My friend’s girlfriend doesn’t nag,” he’s mentally shopping around. In my 20 years of therapy, I’ve seen this as a way men justify pulling away. It’s hurtful and often a deliberate jab to create distance.

• Red Flag: He puts you down by comparing you to others—an ex, a coworker, or even a random influencer. These comparisons might be subtle, like, “Why can’t you be more like her?” or overt, like praising someone else’s traits while criticizing yours.
• Client Example: A woman, Maria, told me her boyfriend kept mentioning how his ex was “more chill” about his late nights out. In session, he admitted he was idealizing his past to avoid facing his current dissatisfaction. The comparisons were his way of pushing Maria away.
• My Advice: “If he’s comparing you, he’s not seeing you—he’s seeing an exit sign,” I tell clients. Don’t let it erode your confidence. Call it out: “I feel hurt when you compare me to others. Can we talk about what’s really bothering you?” If he won’t engage, it’s a sign he’s done.

9. He Doesn’t Apologize

A man who’s still in the relationship will own his mistakes, even if it’s just a quiet “I’m sorry.” If he’s done, he won’t bother. I’ve seen this in couples where the guy doubles down, ignores her hurt feelings, or gives fake apologies that don’t mean anything.

• What to Notice: He never says sorry, even when he’s clearly wrong, like after forgetting a big event Figura, or he gives half-hearted apologies like, “Sorry you feel that way.” It’s a sign he doesn’t care about fixing things.
• My Take: “An apology shows he values you. No apology means he’s not trying to mend the connection,” I tell clients. If he won’t take responsibility, he’s likely checked out emotionally.
• Client Story: A client, Sarah, said her partner never apologized for missing their date nights. In therapy, he revealed he felt the relationship was “over” but didn’t want to admit it. His refusal to apologize was a clear sign of his detachment.
• Stat: A 2022 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found 71% of men who refused to apologize were less committed to their relationship.

10. He’s Secretive About His Life

If he’s hiding his phone, vague about his plans, or won’t share what’s going on, he’s building walls. In my practice, this often means he’s emotionally detaching or even exploring other options. Secrecy is a way to keep you out of his world.

• Key Clue: He’s evasive about simple questions like, “Where were you last night?” or gets defensive when you ask about his day. Maybe he locks his phone or steps out of the room to take calls.
• Client Story: A client, Amanda, noticed her boyfriend changed his phone password and got jumpy when she touched it. He later confessed he was texting another woman, using secrecy to hide his emotional exit.
• Online Dating Angle: In online relationships, this can look like him going “offline” for hours without explanation or being vague about his availability. Online daters felt their partner was secretive when losing interest.
• My Advice: “Secrecy is a wall he’s building to keep you out,” I tell clients. Try asking calmly, “I feel like you’re keeping things from me—can we be open with each other?” If he shuts down, it’s a strong sign he’s pulling away.

11. He Blames You for Everything

When a guy’s checked out, he often points the finger at you. “If you weren’t so clingy, I’d be happier” or “You make me stressed” are classic lines. In my EFT sessions, I see this as a way to avoid taking responsibility for his feelings.

• What It Looks Like: He blames you for his bad moods, work stress, or even unrelated problems, like saying, “You’re why I can’t focus.” It’s a way to shift the focus off his own disengagement.
• My Experience: One couple, Kate and Tom, fought because Tom blamed Kate for his irritability, saying she was “too needy.” In therapy, he admitted he was unhappy but didn’t want to face it. Blaming her was easier than confronting his feelings.
• My Advice: “His blame is about his struggle, not your worth,” I tell clients. Don’t let it sink your self-esteem. Try saying, “I hear you’re upset, but blaming me doesn’t feel fair—can we talk about what’s really going on?” If he won’t discuss it, he’s likely done.

12. He Says It’s Over (Even Indirectly)

Sometimes, he’ll drop hints like, “Maybe we’re not right for each other” or “I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” In my 23 years of practice, I’ve learned men often test the waters before fully ending things.

• What to Hear: If he says anything that questions the relationship’s future, take it seriously. Don’t brush it off as “just a bad day.”
• Client Insight: A woman, Claire, ignored her boyfriend’s comment, “I’m not sure we’re working.” Months later, he left. In session, she said, “I wish I’d listened sooner.”
• My Advice: “If he’s saying it’s over, even quietly, believe him,” I tell clients. Ask directly: “Are you saying you want to end this? Let’s be honest.”

Why These Signs Matter in Online Dating

Online dating can make these signs trickier to spot but even more critical to recognize. If he’s slow to reply, avoids video calls, or stops planning in-person meetups, it’s the digital version of pulling away. In my work with clients on platforms like SofiaDate, SakuraDate, or LatiDate, I’ve seen men fade out when they’re done—sometimes without a word. Most online daters experienced “fading out” from partners who lost interest. Here’s what to watch for in online dating:

• Response Time: Is he taking days to reply when he used to be quick? This can signal he’s prioritizing other things—or people—over you.
• Meetup Plans: Does he dodge plans to meet offline or keep pushing dates back? I’ve counseled clients who wasted months on guys who never intended to meet. If he’s not making plans, he’s likely not serious.
• Profile Activity: If he’s active on the dating app but not engaging with you, it’s a red flag. Check out my article on thedatingvibes.com for more on spotting online disinterest.
• What to Do: Don’t chase someone who’s fading. I tell clients, “If he’s not matching your effort online, he’s showing you his priorities.” Send a clear message like, “I’ve noticed you’re less responsive—can we talk about where we stand?” If he doesn’t step up, move on.

These signs matter because online relationships often lack the face-to-face cues that make disconnection obvious. Trust your instincts and don’t waste time on someone who’s already gone.

What to Do If You See These Signs

Spotting these signs doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, but it’s time to act. Here’s my 3-step plan, based on 23 years of helping couples, to handle a partner who’s pulling away:

Talk Honestly

Use my Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) approach to start a calm conversation. Say, “I’ve noticed you’re pulling back, like not planning dates or being on your phone a lot. Can we talk about how we’re both feeling?” This invites openness without blame. Be ready for tough answers, but clarity is worth it.

Set Boundaries

Decide what you’re okay with. If he’s not trying—whether it’s ignoring your texts or dodging meetups—you don’t have to keep pouring energy in. I tell clients, “You deserve someone who’s all in, not halfway out.” Write down your non-negotiables, like mutual effort or respect, and stick to them.

Evaluate Your Needs

Reflect on whether the relationship meets your needs. Are you feeling valued and heard? If not, it may be time to reconsider. I often guide clients to journal about their feelings to gain clarity before making decisions.

Conclusions from Dr. Peggy Bolcoa

As a psychotherapist, I’ve seen how hard it is to face a partner’s withdrawal, but ignoring these signs only prolongs pain. “Love should feel mutual, not like a one-way street,” I often tell my clients. If he’s showing these 12 signs—less talk about the future, no affection, picking fights, or worse, blaming you—it’s likely his heart’s not in it. Online or offline, the truth is the same: a man who wants to stay will show it. Trust your gut, have that tough talk, and know you’re worth a relationship that lifts you up. If you need guidance, my door’s open in Costa Mesa or via teletherapy. Let’s work through this together.