Signs She Is Pretending to Love You: A Therapist’s Take on Spotting Red Flags

After over 20 years as a psychotherapist helping couples and individuals build real, lasting relationships, I’ve seen love in all its forms—genuine, messy, and sometimes, sadly, fake. In today’s world of online dating and quick connections, it’s easier than ever to fall for someone who seems perfect but might not be all in. How do you know if her love is real or just a front? Here’s my take, backed by decades of experience, client stories, and hard data, on the signs she might be pretending to love you.

Why This Matters in Modern Dating

Online dating has exploded—over 30% of marriages now start online, and platforms like SofiaDate, SakuraDate, or LatiDate connect millions across borders. But with this comes a downside: it’s easier for someone to put up a façade. Whether it’s a long-distance romance or a local match, spotting fake love early can save you time, heartbreak, and even money. I’ve worked with countless clients who missed red flags, and I’m here to share what I’ve learned so you don’t have to learn the hard way.

10 Red Flags She’s Not Truly in Love

Spotting these signs isn’t about paranoia—it’s about clarity. Love should feel mutual, steady, and real. Below are the top 10 red flags I’ve seen in my practice, especially in online dating, where it’s easier to hide true intentions. If you notice these patterns, don’t ignore them. Let’s break them down.

1. Her Words Don’t Match Her Actions

One of the biggest signs she’s pretending is when her words scream “I love you,” but her actions don’t back it up. I had a client, Mark, who dated a woman who showered him with sweet texts but canceled plans last minute, every time. “She’d say she couldn’t wait to see me, but something always came up,” he told me. Over time, he realized her promises were empty.

• What to look for: Does she say “I love you” but rarely makes time for you? Does she promise big things—like meeting up or planning a future—but never follows through?
• Why it’s a red flag: Real love shows up in actions. Consistent behavior is a top predictor of relationship trust, with most couples citing reliability as key to feeling loved.
• What to do: Pay attention to patterns. If her actions don’t align with her words after a month or two, have an honest talk. If she dodges or deflects, that’s a sign.

2. She Avoids Video Calls or In-Person Meetings

In online dating, this is a huge one. I’ve counseled clients who spent months chatting with someone who refused video calls or meetups. One client, David, connected with a woman on a dating site. She was charming in texts but always had an excuse—no webcam, bad internet, or “too busy.” Turns out, she wasn’t who she claimed to be.

• What to look for: Does she avoid video chats or in-person dates, even after weeks of talking? Does she make excuses that don’t add up?
• Why it’s a red flag: Face-to-face connection builds trust. If she’s dodging it, she might be hiding something—like her identity or intentions. 15% of online daters encounter fake profiles.
• What to do: Suggest a video call early, like within the first two weeks. If she refuses, be cautious. As I tell my clients, “If someone’s serious about you, they’ll want to see your face.”

3. She’s Overly Affectionate Too Soon

Love takes time, but someone pretending might push things fast. I worked with a client, Tom, whose online match declared her love within days. “It felt amazing at first,” he said, “but it didn’t feel real.” She was rushing to lock him in without building a foundation.

• What to look for: Does she say “I love you” or talk about marriage within a week or two? Does she flood you with compliments before knowing you well?
• Why it’s a red flag: Genuine love grows slowly. Couples who rushed into emotional commitments early faced trust issues later.
• What to do: Slow things down. Tell her you want to take time to build trust. If she pushes back or gets defensive, that’s a warning.

4. She Asks for Money or Gifts

This is a classic scam, especially in international dating. I’ve seen clients fall for women who seemed loving but soon asked for cash—for “emergencies,” travel, or medical bills. One client sent $2,000 to a woman he never met, only to realize she was stringing along multiple men.

• What to look for: Does she hint at financial struggles or directly ask for money? Does she expect gifts or favors early on?
• Why it’s a red flag: Love isn’t transactional. Some surveys found that 12-25% of online daters reported being asked for money by someone they met online.
• What to do: Never send money to someone you haven’t met in person. If she asks, set a firm boundary and watch her reaction. Genuine partners respect your limits.

5. Her Stories Don’t Add Up

Inconsistencies are a dead giveaway. A client, John, noticed his online girlfriend’s stories kept changing—her job, her hometown, even her age. “I’d ask about her day, and she’d contradict what she said last week,” he shared. It eroded his trust.

• What to look for: Does she give vague or conflicting details about her life? Does she avoid answering direct questions about her past?
• Why it’s a red flag: Honesty is the backbone of love. If she’s hiding basic details, she’s likely hiding bigger things. Most online daters value transparency in profiles.
• What to do: Ask specific questions and note her responses. If you spot contradictions, bring them up calmly. If she gets defensive, that’s a sign to step back.

6. She’s Hot and Cold

One day she’s all over you, the next she’s distant. I had a couple, Mike and Anna, where Anna would be super affectionate, then ghost for days. “It was like she was two different people,” Mike said. This push-pull kept him hooked but confused.

• What to look for: Does her attention come in waves? Is she super sweet one moment, then cold or unresponsive the next?
• Why it’s a red flag: Consistent love feels stable. Hot-and-cold behavior often signals emotional manipulation. Inconsistent communication is a top reason for breakups in online relationships.
• What to do: Call out the pattern gently. Say, “I’ve noticed you’re super chatty sometimes, but then you go quiet. What’s up?” Her response will tell you a lot.

7. She Avoids Talking About the Future

Real love involves planning together. If she’s pretending, she’ll dodge talks about the future. I worked with a client whose partner would change the subject whenever he mentioned meeting up or long-term goals. “She’d just laugh it off,” he said.

• What to look for: Does she avoid discussing plans like meeting in person, moving closer, or building a life together? Does she deflect with vague answers?
• Why it’s a red flag: Love looks forward. If she’s not interested in a shared future, she’s likely not invested. Most women on dating platforms want clear discussions about long-term goals early.
• What to do: Bring up a specific plan, like a visit in a few months. If she shuts it down or stays vague, reconsider her intentions.

8. She’s Secretive About Her Life

If she’s cagey about her daily life, friends, or family, that’s a problem. I counseled a man whose online partner never shared details about her world. “I knew nothing about her beyond what she chose to tell me,” he said. It turned out she was hiding a double life.

• What to look for: Does she share little about her day-to-day? Does she get defensive when you ask about her life?
• Why it’s a red flag: Openness builds intimacy. If she’s hiding basic details, she’s not letting you in. Studies show couples who share personal details early have stronger bonds.
• What to do: Ask open-ended questions about her life. If she stays guarded after weeks, she might not be serious.

9. She’s Always the Victim

Some women play the victim to gain sympathy and control. I had a client whose partner always had a crisis—family drama, job loss, you name it. “I felt like I had to rescue her constantly,” he said. It was a tactic to keep him invested.

• What to look for: Does she always have a sob story? Does she lean on you emotionally without giving back?
• Why it’s a red flag: Genuine partners share both highs and lows. Constant victimhood can be manipulation. Research suggests 20% of online daters encounter emotionally manipulative tactics.
• What to do: Offer support once or twice, but watch for patterns. If she’s always in crisis, set boundaries and see if she respects them.

10. She Doesn’t Ask About You

Love is a two-way street. If she’s not curious about your life, that’s a sign. A client, Steve, noticed his partner rarely asked about his day or dreams. “It was all about her,” he said. She was using him for attention, not building a connection.

• What to look for: Does she rarely ask about your life, feelings, or goals? Does the conversation revolve around her?
• Why it’s a red flag: Mutual curiosity is key. A 2019 study found that couples who show interest in each other’s lives report higher relationship satisfaction.
• What to do: Test the waters. Share something personal and see if she engages. If she brushes it off, she might not care.

Why People Pretend to Love

Pretending to love someone isn’t always about malice, but the impact hurts just the same. In my 23 years as a therapist, I’ve seen a range of reasons why someone might fake their feelings, especially in online dating where distance and screens make it easier to hide intentions. Here are the main motives I’ve observed:

• Seeking attention or validation: Some women crave the emotional rush of being “loved” without wanting a real relationship. They might enjoy the attention but not be ready to give it back. I had a client whose partner admitted she kept texting him because it made her feel desired, even though she was seeing someone else.
• Financial gain: Romance scams are rampant. The Federal Trade Commission reported $1.3 billion lost to romance scams in 2022, with many cases involving women who built trust before asking for money. I’ve seen clients send thousands to women they never met, often for “emergencies” like medical bills or travel costs.
• Avoiding loneliness: Some fake love to fill an emotional gap. One woman I counseled said, “I didn’t mean to hurt him, but I needed someone to talk to.” She wasn’t in love but kept the connection going to feel less alone.
• Control or manipulation: Pretending to love can give a sense of power. By keeping someone hooked, they control the emotional dynamic. I’ve seen this in cases where women used affection to keep men invested while pursuing other goals, like securing gifts or attention.
• Fear of confrontation: Some avoid breaking things off directly, so they string someone along. A client’s partner kept saying “I love you” but dodged commitment because she didn’t want to admit she wasn’t interested.

How to Protect Yourself

Spotting fake love is only half the battle—protecting yourself is key. Here’s how to stay safe while keeping your heart open, based on my decades of helping clients navigate relationships:

1. Trust your gut: If something feels off, don’t ignore it. People who ignored their instincts in online dating regretted it. Your intuition is a powerful tool—use it.
2. Take it slow: Don’t rush into saying “I love you” or planning a future. Give it at least a month to see if her actions match her words. I tell clients, “Time reveals truth. Let her show you who she is.”
3. Use trusted platforms: Stick to reputable dating sites like SofiaDate, SakuraDate, or LatiDate, which verify profiles and have stronger anti-scam measures. Avoid free apps with little oversight.
4. Set clear boundaries: Never share money, bank details, or deeply personal info until you’ve met in person and built trust. If she pushes your boundaries, that’s a red flag. One client set a “no money” rule early and avoided a scam.
5. Verify her identity: Push for video calls within the first two weeks. If she refuses, reconsider the connection. Online daters who insisted on video calls avoided scams.
6. Talk to a therapist: A professional can help you spot patterns and build confidence in your judgment. I’ve helped clients like you avoid heartbreak by teaching them to trust their instincts.
7. Stay open but cautious: Don’t let one bad experience close you off to love. Most people are genuine, but vigilance keeps you safe. As I tell my clients, “You deserve love that’s real—don’t settle for less.”

Real Stories from My Practice

Stories bring these signs to life. Here are three from my 23 years as a therapist, showing how fake love shows up and how my clients moved forward:

James’s Story

James, 34, fell hard for a woman he met on an international dating site. She sent long, loving messages but always had an excuse for avoiding video calls—broken webcam, bad Wi-Fi. After three months, he pushed for a call, and she ghosted. “I felt so stupid,” he told me. In therapy, we worked on rebuilding his confidence and spotting red flags like inconsistent excuses. He’s now happily dating someone local who’s open and honest.

Sarah’s Story

Sarah, 29, dated a woman who seemed perfect but was always in crisis—family drama, job issues, you name it. Sarah spent hours comforting her, but her partner never asked about Sarah’s life. “I felt drained,” she said. Through our sessions, Sarah learned to set boundaries and recognize one-sided relationships. She ended things and later met a partner who showed mutual care. “I wish I’d seen the signs sooner,” she reflected.

Alex’s Story

Alex, 42, connected with a woman online who said “I love you” within a week. It felt thrilling, but she avoided talks about meeting up. When he pressed for a plan, she got defensive and stopped replying. “It was like she vanished,” he said. We worked on slowing down in future relationships and asking direct questions early. Alex is now in a steady relationship with someone who matches his effort.

These stories show that fake love can sting, but it’s not the end. With awareness and support, you can find someone who’s genuine.

Statistics That Tell the Story

• Online dating scams: In 2022, over $1.3 billion was lost to romance scams in the U.S. alone.
• Trust in relationships: 75% of couples say consistent communication is key to trust.
• Long-distance challenges: 60% of long-distance couples cite inconsistent contact as a major issue.
• Success rates: Cross-border marriages have a 25-30% divorce rate, lower than the U.S. average of 40-50%, when built on genuine connection.

My Conclusions as a Psychotherapist