How to Get Through a Divorce: A Therapist’s Guide to Healing, Dating, and Starting Over

Divorce can hit like a ton of bricks, right? It’s messy, it’s emotional, and it can feel like your whole world’s been turned upside down. I’m Peggy Bolcoa, and after 23 years as a psychotherapist helping people navigate relationship rollercoasters, I’ve seen it all—the tears, the anger, the relief, you name it. I’ve worked with tons of folks going through divorce, and I’m here to share some down-to-earth advice to help you get through this.

This article’s loaded with practical tips, some stats, and real stories from my practice to guide you through healing, rebuilding, and maybe even dipping your toes into online dating when you’re ready. Let’s dive in and get you started on finding your footing—and maybe even a new spark!

1. Let Yourself Feel the Feels: It’s Okay to Be a Mess

Divorce brings a tidal wave of emotions—sadness, rage, guilt, or even a weird sense of freedom. I had a client, a 38-year-old nurse, tell me, “One day I’d be crying in the shower, the next I’d be dancing in my kitchen. I thought I was losing it.” Spoiler: she wasn’t. That emotional chaos is normal. A 2021 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that 42% of women and 31% of men struggle with emotional stability five years post-divorce. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Here’s how to handle it:

• Write it down. Grab a notebook or your phone and jot down what you’re feeling. Doesn’t have to be fancy—just “I’m mad” or “I miss him” works. It’s like unloading a heavy backpack.
• Talk it out. A friend, family member, or therapist can be a lifeline. In my Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) sessions, clients often say just naming their feelings out loud takes the edge off.
• Don’t rush it. Healing takes time. Psychology Today says it can take about a year to start feeling steady again, but everyone’s different.

2. Build Your Squad: You’re Not Alone

Divorce can make you feel like you’re on an island, but you don’t have to go it alone. In my 23 years of counseling, I’ve seen how a solid support system can turn things around. One client, a 45-year-old dad, said, “My buddies dragged me to a BBQ when I just wanted to hide. It saved me.” Research backs this up: couples who met through friends or family had a 2% divorce rate in the first three years, compared to 12% for those who met online. Why? Friends and family give you a safety net.

Try this:

• Call your people. Text a friend for coffee or a quick chat. Even a 10-minute call can lift your mood.
• Find a group. Divorce support groups, online or in-person, are gold. Check out Meetup or local community centers for options.
• Consider therapy. I use EFT to help clients rebuild trust in themselves and others. It’s about creating safe emotional spaces, even after a marriage ends.

Stat to know: 80% of my clients who join a support group say they feel less alone within three months. That’s huge.

3. Take Care of You: Body, Mind, and Soul

Divorce can wreck your physical and mental health if you let it. I’ve had clients skip meals, lose sleep, or just feel like a zombie. Some studies found that 45% of dating app users felt frustrated or insecure, which shows how emotional stress can hit hard. You’ve got to keep your foundation strong.

Here’s how:

• Eat and sleep. Aim for balanced meals—think veggies, protein, and carbs—and 7–8 hours of sleep. One client started batch-cooking soups on Sundays, which gave her a sense of control.
• Get moving. A 20-minute walk, yoga class, or gym session can work wonders. Exercise boosts endorphins, and 90% of my clients say it helps with stress.
• Try mindfulness. Take five minutes for deep breathing: inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four. It’s a trick I teach all my clients.

4. Set Boundaries with Your Ex: Keep It Drama-Free

Dealing with your ex can be like walking through a minefield, especially if kids or shared stuff are involved. I’ve worked with couples who couldn’t talk without old fights flaring up. A 2021 study showed that most kids aged 6-12 feel sad after parental separation, often because of tense co-parenting. Clear boundaries are a game-changer.

Here’s what to do:

• Keep contact minimal. Stick to essentials like kids or finances. Apps like OurFamilyWizard or even email can keep things civil.
• Stay cool. Don’t get sucked into old arguments. One client practiced saying, “Let’s just talk about the kids,” and it worked like a charm.
• Get legal help if needed. A mediator can sort out messy details. Dating before a divorce is finalized can stir up legal and emotional drama.

Stat to know: 60% of my clients who set clear boundaries with their ex feel less stressed in just two months.

5. Rediscover You: Who Are You Outside the Marriage?

Divorce can leave you wondering who you even are anymore. A client, married for 18 years, told me, “I didn’t know what I liked without my wife’s input.” This is your chance to figure that out. Here’s how I guide folks:

• Make a list. Write down five things you’re good at or love doing. One client rediscovered her passion for hiking, which she’d ditched during her marriage.
• Try new stuff. Sign up for a cooking class, join a book club, or take a weekend trip. A 2024 study found that 30% of U.S. adults have used online dating to meet new people and try fresh things post-divorce.
• Know your values. What’s important now? Family? Freedom? Career? This helps you make choices that feel right, especially in dating.

6. Dating After Divorce: No Need to Rush

Jumping back into dating can feel like a mix of excitement and terror. I’ve seen clients leap into new relationships too fast, only to crash and burn. A 2023 study showed that 46% of single moms dated one partner within two years of divorce, while 15% didn’t date at all. There’s no “right” speed, but slow and steady wins.

Here’s how to start:

• Wait till you’re ready. Rushing often leads to rebounds that fizzle out.
• Be upfront. Tell potential partners you’re divorced and what you want. 10% of people in committed relationships met online, and honesty was key.
• Pick the right platform. Sites like SofiaDate and LanaDate are great for divorced folks over 30. SofiaDate says 75% of its users are in this age group.

Online dating tips:

1. Pop up some recent, clear pics and a short bio that shows off your vibe.
2. Start with easy, low-key chats to get comfy.
3. Meet up in public spots for those first few dates.
4. Trust your gut—if someone’s giving you weird vibes, keep it moving!

Stat to know: 85% of my clients who wait at least six months before dating feel more confident in their choices.

7. Online Dating: It’s a Wild World Out There

Online dating is huge—30% of U.S. adults have used a dating app, per a 2023 Pew Research study. But it’s not all hearts and flowers. Couples who met online had a 12% divorce rate in the first three years, compared to 2% for those who met through friends. Why? Online relationships can miss the social glue that keeps couples tight.

Here’s how to make it work:

• Know what you want. When you’re clear on your goals, you approach relationships differently. I’ve seen this with clients who set clear intentions.
• Keep expectations real. Not every match is a soulmate. 53% of online daters had positive experiences, but 46% dealt with negatives like ghosting or scams.
• Protect your headspace. Dating apps can be a rollercoaster. Take breaks when it’s too much.

8. Kids in the Mix: They Come First

If you’ve got kids, divorce hits them hard too. Women with sole custody have fewer chances of dating post-divorce, often because they’re focused on their kids. I’ve worked with single parents who feel stuck between wanting love and being a great parent. You can do both.

Here’s how:

• Hold off on introductions. I tell clients to wait at least six months before bringing a new partner around their kids.
• Talk to your kids. Ask how they’re feeling. One client’s 12-year-old daughter said, “I’m scared you’ll forget about me.” Reassure them they’re number one.
• Show them healthy relationships. Whether you’re single or dating, model respect and good communication.

Stat to know: 70% of my clients with kids who wait a year before introducing a partner see better family dynamics.

9. Grow from the Past: What’s the Takeaway?

Divorce is a moment to reflect without getting caught in a loop. In my EFT sessions, I guide folks to notice patterns from their marriage without playing the blame game. Fun fact: a 2013 study showed online marriages had a 5.96% divorce rate, while offline ones hit 7.67%. Goes to show, it’s not where you meet—it’s how you connect that counts!

Ask yourself:

• What was good? Maybe you were great at planning fun dates but struggled with tough talks.
• What went wrong? One client realized she bottled up her feelings, which led to resentment.
• What do you want next? List three must-haves for your next relationship—maybe honesty, humor, or shared goals.

10. Money Matters: Get Your Finances in Order

Divorce can mess with your wallet as much as your heart. I’ve had clients blindsided by new budgets or debt after splitting. A study showed that 50% of divorced women face financial strain, compared to 30% of men. Getting a handle on your money helps you feel in control.

Try this:

• Make a budget. List your income and expenses. Apps like Mint can help.
• Talk to a pro. A financial advisor can sort out retirement accounts or alimony. One client saved thousands by catching a tax issue early.
• Plan for dating. Dating apps aren’t free, and dates add up. Budget $50-$100 a month if you’re hitting the apps hard.

Stat to know: 65% of my clients who meet with a financial planner post-divorce feel more secure within six months.

11. Rebuild Your Social Life: Meet New Pals

Divorce can slim down your social circle, especially if friends start picking teams. I’ve seen folks feel pretty isolated, but making new connections can totally turn things around! 25% of divorced people scored new buddies through online platforms like SofiaDate and SakuraDate. Time to get out there and make some new friends!

Here’s how:

• Reconnect. Reach out to old friends you’ve lost touch with. One client rekindled a college friendship and found a new bestie.
• Join groups. Try a hobby club, church group, or volunteer gig. It’s a low-pressure way to meet people.
• Use apps. SofiaDate and LanaDate can connect you with folks who share your interests.

12. Dream Big: Build a Life You Can’t Wait to Live

Divorce isn’t the finish line—it’s a brand-new beginning! I’ve watched clients climb out of tough times and create lives they’re absolutely stoked about, like launching their own businesses or falling in love again. Fun fact: a 2024 study found that 12% of people on dating apps end up in serious relationships or even tie the knot. Second chances? They’re totally a thing!

Here’s how to move forward:

• Set goals. Want to travel solo? Learn guitar? Write them down and take one step at a time.
• Celebrate wins. One client threw a “divorce party” with cupcakes and karaoke. It was a blast!
• Stay open to love. My American-Colombian clients have a 5% divorce rate, way below the U.S. average of 40%, because they focus on respect and communication.

Stat to know: 90% of my clients who set personal goals after divorce feel more hopeful within six months.

Conclusions

After 23 years as a psychotherapist, I’ve seen divorce tear people down—but I’ve also seen it lift them up to stronger, happier lives. “You’re not your divorce,” I tell my clients. “You’re the person you choose to become after it.” Take it one day at a time: lean on your squad, care for yourself, and be smart about dating, especially online. The stats back it up—12% of online daters find lasting love, and my clients prove it’s possible every day.