I Offer Couples and Marriage Counseling Services in Costa Mesa, Newport Beach, Huntington Beach and Irvine, CA.
This is written for YOU, a new perspective client who is trying to figure out which therapist to choose for the purpose of working on your relationship – this can include parent/child situations, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, or even individuals who’re having problems with important people in their lives.
I practice what is called “Emotionally Focused Therapy” with couples because it works and it “sticks to the wall.” By that, I mean that couples who go through the process and become loving and close, usually stay that way.
This therapy is based on attachment theory which means that it’s all about bringing couples back to (or helping them get to) an emotional closeness that has been lacking and leaving both partners feeling alone and hopeless. The fact is that just as a baby needs it’s mother for survival (or a loving and dedicated caregiver), so we, as adults, need a secure emotional bond with our partner in order to thrive and feel safe. This need is in our DNA (as they say).
Some might say that all of this is psychobabble for the word “love”. However, I would say that in my 23 year practice doing couples therapy (and individual therapy), most of the relationships with which I have worked were with partners who had been in love, were currently in love, or wanted to enhance the love they were in. The problem is that conflicts and negative emotions begin to erode the love and separate them from each other.
In EFT, we call this their “cycle”, or their “dance”. The therapy process is all about helping them change their cycle so that they can become wonderfully attached and bonded to each other, providing security and safety. They will be able to go to each other for comfort, care, and understanding. They may even wind up feeling romantic and infatuated again. The whole point is that the process doesn’t involve blaming one or the other partner. It’s the cycle that needs changing, and indeed, it’s the cycle that is transformed so that their “dance” becomes loving and supportive. Isn’t that the way we all love to dance?
What EFT helps you change?
If you’re considering couples therapy, you’re probably not looking for “perfect.” Most couples want to feel calmer, safer, and more connected—and to stop repeating the same argument in different forms. EFT helps by focusing on the pattern between you, not on who is “right” or “wrong.”
In EFT, we work to:
- identify the negative cycle (your “dance”) that keeps pulling you apart
- understand what’s underneath the reactions (hurt, fear, loneliness, feeling unseen)
- create new ways to reach for each other so repair becomes possible and closeness returns
Is EFT couples therapy a good fit for us?
EFT can be especially helpful if you recognize any of these:
- You have the same fight again and again (even when you both want it to stop)
- One of you pushes to talk and the other shuts down (or you both feel unheard)
- You feel like roommates: distance, numbness, tension, or walking on eggshells
- Trust has been damaged (affair, secrecy, repeated broken agreements)
- Stressors (kids, work, finances, health, relocation) are taking a toll on the relationship
If your relationship feels very fragile right now, that’s not a reason to avoid therapy—it’s often the reason to start.
Relationship Counseling
With the emotionally focused therapy model, we identify together where partners are getting stuck, what the pattern is, and how we can change it. As we change the pattern (sometimes we refer to it as a cycle or dance), couples begin to feel more secure and bonded. And this kind of therapy “sticks to the wall.”
After all these years counseling, I still get excited when I see people (boyfriend/girlfriend), partners, good friends, or adult siblings develop a heart to heart connection after having been disconnected and spiraling down in a negative cycle. I see love as a need, not a want. ❤️
What to expect in the first 1–3 sessions
Starting therapy can feel vulnerable—especially if you’ve had months (or years) of tension. The first sessions are about creating clarity and safety.
Here’s what we typically do early on:
- Get the full picture: what brought you in, what you’ve tried, what hurts most right now
- Map the cycle: the moment conflict starts, how it escalates (or shuts down), and what each person does to protect themselves
- Name the deeper emotions: what’s underneath anger, criticism, withdrawal, or silence
- Set clear goals: what “better” would actually look like for both of you
- Build session safety: so both partners can speak honestly without the conversation turning into another fight
The EFT roadmap: the three stages (simple version)
EFT is a structured approach, which means we’re not guessing our way through sessions. We follow a clear roadmap—while still tailoring the work to your relationship, your history, and what you’re facing right now.
Stage 1 — De-escalation (calm the cycle)
First, we identify the negative pattern you get pulled into and lower the intensity. We slow down the moments where things spiral into anger, criticism, defensiveness, or shutdown. The goal is to help both partners feel safer in session and at home—so conversations don’t keep turning into the same fight.
Stage 2 — Restructuring (create new connection)
Next, we work on changing the way you reach for each other. You’ll practice sharing what’s underneath the reactions—needs, fears, longing, hurt—in a way that your partner can actually hear. At the same time, we build new responses: more openness, more emotional engagement, and more supportive “turning toward” instead of pulling away.
Stage 3 — Consolidation (make it stick)
Finally, we strengthen the new pattern and help it become your new normal. We focus on maintaining progress, improving repair after conflict, and building confidence that you can handle future stress without falling back into the old cycle. We also create a simple plan for what to do when triggers show up, so you feel prepared rather than powerless.
How long does EFT couples therapy take?
Many couples want a realistic expectation. EFT is commonly described as a short-term structured model, often in the range of 8–20 sessions, but the timeline depends on your goals, the level of conflict, and whether there’s a major trust injury to heal.
When people in a relationship invite me into their circle to help them, I feel honored by their trust and vulnerability. I work hard to help them be able to hear each other and respond with care and attention. Research shows that adults need attachment and love, just as babies do. When we know our partner will respond when we are troubled or feeling alone, we go out into the world feeling more secure and able to compete, slay dragons, and just function at an optimum level.
Repair after infidelity or betrayal (attachment injuries)
Sometimes, a couple comes in when there has been an affair (one or more) or betrayal of any type. We refer to this as an attachment wound. This requires a lot of repair work, and even though I might see each partner alone for a few visits, I prefer to have them grieve and do the repair work together. Their pain needs to “touch each other” and be felt in a very real way, right in the therapy room, in order for them to be brought back to a safe place. This is by no means an easy task, but the healing and hard work is well worth the time and effort.
In this repair work, we take things step by step. We focus on understanding what happened in an honest way, taking responsibility where it matters, and learning how to respond to each other with more care and openness. The goal is for the pain to be acknowledged—not minimized—so it can be truly seen, talked through, and healed in a way that both partners actually feel.
FAQ
Do you take sides in couples therapy?
No. I don’t choose a “winner.” I help you understand the cycle that pulls you apart and support both of you in changing it in a way that feels fair and emotionally safe.
What if my partner is skeptical or only coming reluctantly?
That’s very common. You don’t have to be 100% sure to start. My goal in the first sessions is to create a respectful, structured space where both partners feel heard and where we can focus on what’s actually happening—not blame.
Do you offer teletherapy for couples?
Yes. I offer teletherapy sessions, and we can talk about whether online or in-person sessions will work best for your situation.
Can EFT help after an affair or betrayal?
Yes. EFT has a clear way of working with attachment injuries (trust wounds). The process focuses on understanding what happened, making room for the impact, and rebuilding emotional safety step by step.
How should we prepare for the first session?
Keep it simple. Think about what feels most painful right now, what you miss in the relationship, and what you hope will change. You don’t need a perfect explanation—just a willingness to begin.
How long does couples therapy usually take?
It depends on your goals and what you’re working through. Some couples come in for focused help over a shorter period, while others benefit from longer support—especially when there’s a major trust injury or long-standing conflict patterns.
What if we’re not sure we want to stay together?
You can still come in. Therapy can help you slow things down, communicate more clearly, and make thoughtful decisions rather than reactive ones—whether the goal is rebuilding or getting clarity about next steps.
Do you work with different kinds of couples and relationships?
Yes. I work with couples and relationships in many forms, and I focus on creating a respectful, supportive environment where each person feels safe to speak honestly.
🔔Ready for a first step?
If you’re feeling stuck, you don’t have to figure it out alone. If you’d like, reach out to schedule a free 15-minute consultation, and we’ll talk about what’s been happening and what kind of support would fit best.
