Dominance in Relationships: What It Really Means

When people hear “dominant” in the context of a relationship, they often picture something intense—maybe one partner calling all the shots or some Fifty Shades of Grey vibe. But as a psychotherapist with over 20 years helping couples and individuals, I’ve seen that dominance in relationships is way more layered than pop culture suggests. It’s not just about control or power; it’s about trust, balance, and emotional connection. In my Costa Mesa office, I’ve worked with countless couples sorting out what dominance means to them, especially in today’s world of online dating. Let’s break it down with real insights, stats, and stories from my practice to clear up what dominance in a relationship is—and isn’t.

Defining Dominance: Beyond Bossing Around

Dominance in a relationship doesn’t always mean one person barking orders while the other follows. It’s often about who takes the lead in certain areas—like decision-making, emotional support, or even initiating intimacy. In my work with couples, I’ve seen dominance show up in subtle ways, like one partner always planning dates or handling finances, while the other feels safe letting them take charge. It’s less about power and more about roles that feel natural to both people.

In a 2023 study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, many couples reported that one partner naturally took a more dominant role in specific aspects of their relationship, like communication or problem-solving, and it worked when both felt respected. This tells me dominance isn’t inherently bad—it can be healthy if it’s mutual and agreed upon. “Dominance only becomes a problem when it’s one-sided or feels forced,” I often tell my clients. “It’s about what makes both of you feel secure.”

Types of Dominance in Relationships

Based on my 23 years of counseling, I’ve seen dominance take a few forms. Here’s a breakdown:

1. Emotional Dominance: One partner might lead in expressing feelings or guiding tough conversations. For example, I worked with a couple, Sarah and Mike, where Sarah was the “talker.” She’d initiate discussions about their issues, while Mike preferred to listen and process. This worked because Sarah’s lead made Mike feel safe to open up later.
2. Decision-Making Dominance: This is when one person handles big choices—like where to live or how to budget. In my practice, I’ve seen this with online daters who meet across cultures. One couple, David and Minseo, met on SakuraDate. David took the lead on planning their visits because Minseo trusted his judgment. It wasn’t about control; it was about trust.
3. Physical or Intimate Dominance: This is often what people think of first, especially with online dating profiles hinting at “dominant” personalities. It’s about one partner leading in intimacy, but it only works if both are on board. A 2024 survey on dating platforms found 55% of users valued clear communication about physical preferences early on.
4. Social Dominance: One partner might steer social plans or interactions with friends and family. I’ve seen this with couples where one person’s more outgoing, like my client Tom, who loved organizing outings while his partner Soo-jin preferred to follow his lead.

Each type can be healthy if both partners agree and feel valued. The trouble starts when dominance feels like control or leaves one person sidelined.

Why Dominance Matters in Online Dating

Online dating has changed how dominance plays out. Platforms like SofiaDate, SakuraDate, or LatiDate let people set expectations early, often through profiles or chats about preferences. In my work, I’ve seen clients use these platforms to clarify roles upfront. For instance, a woman might say she wants a partner who “takes charge” in planning dates, while a man might look for someone who leads emotionally.

Most online daters prefer partners who are clear about their role in a relationship from the start. This clarity helps avoid mismatches. “Online dating gives you a chance to talk about dominance before you even meet,” I tell clients. “It’s like a blueprint for what you both want.”

But here’s the catch: online profiles can exaggerate. Someone might claim they’re “dominant” to seem confident, but in person, they’re unsure. I had a client, Lisa, who met a guy on LanaDate who described himself as “in charge.” In sessions, she shared, “He seemed so decisive online, but in person, he couldn’t pick a restaurant!” This mismatch happens because online personas don’t always match reality. My advice? Ask specific questions in chats—like, “What do you mean by ‘taking the lead’?”—to avoid surprises.

Red Flags of Unhealthy Dominance

Not all dominance is good. In my practice, I’ve seen cases where one partner’s control crossed into manipulation. Look at some signs I tell clients to watch for, especially in online dating:

• One-Sided Decisions: If your partner makes choices without asking—like planning a trip you didn’t agree to—it’s a red flag. Healthy dominance involves mutual agreement.
• Ignoring Boundaries: A dominant partner should respect your limits. I worked with a couple where the man insisted on daily video calls despite his partner’s busy schedule. It felt controlling, not caring.
• Emotional Manipulation: If someone uses dominance to guilt you—like saying, “If you loved me, you’d let me decide”—that’s a problem. A 2022 study found 35% of online daters reported feeling pressured by partners who seemed “overly dominant.”
• Refusing Input: Healthy dominance welcomes feedback. If your partner shuts down your ideas, it’s not leadership—it’s control.

How Dominance Can Strengthen Relationships

When done right, dominance can build trust and security. In my work with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I’ve seen couples thrive when they find a balance that suits them. EFT, which I’ve used for 20 years, helps partners understand their emotional needs and how dominance fits in. For example, one partner might lead in tough talks because it makes the other feel supported, not controlled.

Take my clients John and Alina, who met on GoldenBride. Alina valued John’s ability to take charge in planning their future, like researching visas for her move from Ukraine. “It made me feel like he cared enough to handle the hard stuff,” she told me. John, in turn, appreciated Alina’s emotional leadership—she was great at calming him during stress. Their case worked because they respected each other’s strengths.

A 2020 study found that couples with clear roles—where one partner takes the lead in specific areas—report 25% higher satisfaction than those without defined roles. This shows dominance can be a strength if it’s collaborative.

Tips for Healthy Dominance in Relationships

Based on my experience, here’s how couples can make dominance work, whether they met online or in person:

1. Talk It Out Early: Discuss what “dominant” means to you both. If you’re on a dating site, ask, “Do you like leading plans, or do you prefer sharing?” Clarity prevents conflict.
2. Respect Each Other’s Strengths: Let each person lead where they shine. I had a couple where the woman handled finances because she was a CPA, while her partner led in social plans. It balanced them out.
3. Check In Regularly: Roles can shift. I recommend monthly check-ins to ask, “Are we both okay with how we’re handling things?” This keeps dominance mutual.
4. Set Boundaries: Agree on where dominance stops. For example, one partner might lead in parenting decisions but not override the other’s input.
5. Use EFT Principles: In my sessions, I use EFT to help couples see dominance as a way to meet emotional needs, not control. Try asking, “Does me taking the lead here make you feel safe?”

Dominance in International Relationships

Online dating often leads to international relationships, where dominance can get tricky. In my practice, I’ve worked with couples from different backgrounds—like American men with Latin or Ukrainian women—who face some challenges. Intercultural norms shape how dominance is perceived. For example, in some Latin cultures, men are expected to take charge, while in Western relationships, equality is often prioritized.

I counseled a couple, Maria from Colombia and Mark from California, who met on LatiDate. Maria expected Mark to lead decisions, but Mark wanted shared input. “I felt like she wanted me to be someone I’m not,” he said in session. Through EFT, we helped them find a middle ground—Mark led in planning their visits, while Maria took charge in emotional discussions. A 2023 report noted 1,696 Mexican and 850 Colombian women entered the U.S. on K-1 visas, which shows how common these relationships are.

Common Myths About Dominance

Dominance gets a bad rap because of misconceptions that cloud its true role in relationships. Consider some myths I’ve debunked in my 23 years as a psychotherapist, based on real couples’ experiences and research:

• Myth 1: Dominance Always Means Control: Many assume dominance is about one partner overpowering the other. Not true. Healthy dominance is about mutual leadership with consent, not forcing control. 70% of couples with a “dominant” partner felt it strengthened their bond when both agreed on roles.
• Myth 2: Only Men Can Be Dominant: This is outdated. In my practice, I’ve seen women lead just as often, especially in emotional or social areas. For example, my client Katya from Ukraine was the emotional anchor for her American fiancé, guiding their tough talks with confidence.
• Myth 3: Dominance Destroys Equality: Not if it’s done right. Couples can share power while letting one lead in specific areas, like finances or planning. It’s about balance, not competition. Couples with clear roles reported 25% higher satisfaction.
• Myth 4: Dominance Is Fixed and Never Changes: Roles evolve over time. I worked with a couple where the woman took over financial decisions after a promotion, while her partner led parenting choices. Flexibility keeps things healthy.
• Myth 5: Dominance Is Always Aggressive: Pop culture often paints dominance as loud or forceful, but it can be quiet and supportive. For instance, a partner who calmly leads tough conversations shows dominance through care, not aggression.

Dominance and Online Dating Scams

Online dating brings a dark side to dominance: scams. Some people fake a “dominant” persona to manipulate. In my practice, I’ve heard stories of clients being misled by overly controlling matches. A 2022 FBI report noted $1.3 billion in losses from romance scams, with many involving manipulative tactics.

Here’s what to watch for:

• Too-Quick Control: If someone pushes to control decisions—like where you meet or how you communicate—early on, be cautious. Real dominance builds over time.
• Money Requests: Scammers often pose as dominant to demand financial help. Never send money to someone you haven’t met.
• Avoiding Video Calls: If they dodge face-to-face chats, they might not be who they claim. I always tell clients to insist on video before meeting.

Stories from My Practice

Let me share two stories that show dominance done right and wrong. First, there’s Tom and Larysa, an American-Ukrainian couple I counseled. They met on UkraineBrides4You, and Tom took the lead in logistics, like planning Larysa’s move to California. Larysa loved this because it showed he cared. But she led emotionally, which helps Tom open up about his fears. Their balance made their relationship thrive.

Contrast that with Emma and Jake, who met on a dating app. Jake insisted on controlling everything—where they went, what they talked about. Emma felt smothered. In sessions, Jake admitted he thought “being dominant” meant being in charge of everything. We used EFT to help him see dominance as a shared role, but Emma eventually left because the trust was gone.

These stories show dominance works when it’s a partnership, not a power grab.

How to Talk About Dominance Online

If you’re on a dating platform, bringing up dominance can feel awkward. Here’s how I coach clients to do it:

• Be Direct but Kind: Say, “I like taking the lead on planning dates—how do you feel about that?” It opens the door without pressure.
• Ask Questions: Try, “Do you prefer leading in some areas or sharing responsibilities?” This shows you’re open to their style.
• Share Examples: Instead of saying “I’m dominant,” explain, “I usually handle trip planning because I love organizing.” It’s clearer.

Most online daters value honesty about relationship roles upfront. Being clear sets the stage for a healthy dynamic.

Dominance and Emotional Connection

In my work with EFT, I’ve learned dominance is deeply tied to emotional needs. When one partner leads in a way that makes the other feel safe, it builds what I call “secure attachment.” This is why I love EFT—it helps couples see dominance as a way to connect, not compete.

For example, I worked with a couple where the woman, Ana, felt anxious when her partner didn’t take charge in tough moments. “I just want to know he’s got my back,” she said. Her partner learned to step up in crises, which deepened their bond. Couples using EFT reported stronger emotional connections when roles were clear.

Conclusion: Dominance as a Tool for Love

After 23 years counseling couples, I’ve seen dominance be both a strength and a stumbling block. When it’s mutual, respectful, and tied to emotional connection, it can make relationships stronger—whether you meet online or in person. But when it’s about control, it breaks trust. My advice? Talk openly, respect each other’s strengths, and use dominance to build a partnership, not a power struggle. “Love thrives when dominance feels like support, not supremacy,” I tell my clients. Keep that in mind, and you’ll find a balance that works for you both.